It's been itching me a while now.

Christianity. How can Christians possibly believe in something so unbelievable? Do they really believe what they say they believe? Some of them don’t. And, I’m sure, the ones that do only do so microscopically. Christians cannot be in complete belief of it all, because they are not yet made perfect in Christ on the New Earth. Therefore humans, especially Christians, must have doubts. I know the majority have faith smaller than a mustard seed, otherwise they would be in the complete reality of all they ‘believed’ and would be a revolutionary peoples; counter-cultural, standing in dichotomy with the rest of the world. But Christians aren’t perfect. They strive for the unattainable. Therefore, what a claim! I feel like a hypocrite! Every day, I keep discovering how faithless I am. It keeps me humble and saying, “Lord, increase my faith!” I could never stop asking the Lord for more faith. I can understand a little clearer now that Christianity, knowing God, loving and embracing the God head and walking in obedience to that, is the first step toward truth, the only truth. “I am the way, the truth, and the life.”

Precious Lord

O Lord, precious breath,
I breathe in.
My blood circulates, my body alive,
because of such precious breath
I breathe in.

O Lord, be the most
precious to me.
I want you
more than the breath,
I breathe in.

It fills my lungs
You, Lord of hosts, fill my soul
"My cup overflows"
Let me praise you with each breath
I breathe in.

The Lord, my redeemer
The Lord, bore my sins
Not in this life I'll be able to grasp such love
O Lord, You are the breath
I breathe in.

It Is Well

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blessed assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Theology
Philosophy

Linguistics
Etymology
Literature
Communication

Society
Culture
History
Psychology
Human Body

Arts
Science
Nature
Mathematics

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge.

Check!

I am just checking off my list of things to do today. One of them is to write something. I don't know what to write about, but I will write something, at least! It could be crappy or silly or strange, but if I don't write it won't have the opportunity to be anything! I would rather write something creepy and downright stupid than not right anything at all. Most of what I write, I think, is kind of silly, but it makes me feel better to do so. If I could major in thinking at college I would. That's all I ever love to do. Sometimes it is tiring but I love it. Thinking has a lot to do with what I write. There are many things I think, though, but don't know how to communicate. That is why I end up sounding so strange! That is why I love reading because I feel others like Lewis, Thoreau, Pascal, Cather, and Kierkegaard say what I have been trying to say all along. They speak for me. They are better communicators.

If I just keep up this writing I think I will get better and better. Where else could I start to become a better writer, than by writing? I can't be completely amazing at this thing on my first real tries. I know it is something that develops. Everything needs refining, right? Rough draft! Here I come!

Right now everything is so confusing. This is how it is most of the time. These questions itch me and drive me crazy. The weight of the reality of which I believe (Christianity) is always heavy on me.

But he said, "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." He had skin and nails. A heart, a heartbeat. Eyelashes. Sweat. Pain, sufferings. Blood.

My salvation rests in Him. What kind of love is this? A love I can only wait for. A love I can only believe in, and hope for.

I can't be in just a gullible atmosphere that benefits me.

I want to acknowledge God when I see the Sun. I want to breathe knowing He willed it. I want to see people as children of God; created by God, and for God. I want to be still and know that He is Lord. Our Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

My Thoughts on the Limitations of Language and Communication

There are many moments when I have to catch my breath. And I must sulk in the presence of that certain experience. When it leaves me, I think maybe I should type it up. I come to the computer, place my fingers on the keyboard, and am humbled. The only thing I end up communicating is how I simply cannot. Everything, though, is worth trying to communicate. That is why I am fascinated with words and linguistics. The end of everything incommunicable seems to be in paradoxes.

From The Valley of Vision Puritan Prayers

Morning

Compassionate Lord, Thy mercies have brought me to the dawn of another day. Vain will be its gift unless I grow in grace, increase in knowledge, ripen for spiritual harvest. Let me this day know Thee as Thou art, love Thee supremely, serve Thee wholly, admire Thee fully. Through grace let my will respond to Thee, knowing that power to obey is not in me, but that Thy free love alone enables me to serve Thee. Here then is my empty heart, overflow it with Thy choicest gifts; here is my blind understanding, chase away its mists of ignorance.

O ever watchful Shepherd, lead, guide, tend me this day; without Thy restraining rod I err and stray. Hedge up my path lest I wander into unwholesome pleasure, and drink its poisonous streams; direct my feet that I be not entangled in Satan's secret snares, nor fall into his hidden traps. Defend me from assailing foes, from evil circumstances, from myself. My adversaries are part and parcel of my nature; they cling to me as my very skin; I cannot escape their contact. In my rising up and sitting down they barnacle me; they entice with constant baits; my enemy is within the citadel. Come with almighty power and cast him out, pierce him to death, and abolish in me every particle of carnal life this day.

Walks

On my walks I observe. I trudge along sometimes not knowing where I'll end up. Reminisced the past, will hope the future. Onward, if I just keep going, I'll discover something.

Is it the beauty of watching earth sprinkle into night?
Could it be the sharpening of my senses?
Is it those eternal questions that pound me, steady like a drum?
Maybe it is the unreality that I humbly slip into?

Walk, walk, walk, walk, walk, walk, walk, walk

I know myself better when I walk
(which results ultimately in a stronger reality.)
I communicate with God when I walk.
He responds in "truth", "beauty", "awe"
and "curiousity."
(Silly words; sap interpretations)
But shhhh....

Just listen.
Just walk.

I've been learning

that the more I know, the more I am aware of how little I know. If that makes since. Knowledge is infinite; the All-Knowing is God.

My Goals:

I started this blog because I want to write more, and this is the best way to get started. I've realized the more I write, the better I become at writing. And since I am starting college a little later than I intended, I have made it a goal to write, hopefully, everyday. Now that this blog is up and running I am going to make some goals so I don't end up wasting away in New York City. They are in no real order.

1. Study grammar
a. Read 'The Elements of Style' by Strunk & White
b. Read 'Word Power Made Easy' by Norman Lewis
2. Get a job (maybe at a bookstore?)
3. Take a summer college program
4. Finish high school!
5. Finish reading all those books I almost finished but haven't
6. Save money
7. Read one book everyweek (and only one at a time)

and others, but I'm not there yet.

Some of My Favorite Quotes

Too quick an intelligence, like the total lack of it, is generally held to be close to madness. Nothing is good but mediocrity. A majority vote has settled that, and the said majority will snap at anyone who detaches himself from the crowd, by whatever door he makes his escape. I make no difficulty about it and am perfectly content to sit in the middle; but I flatly refuse the lower end, not because it is low, but because it is "end"--and I would equally refuse if the end were at the top. If we leave the middle way, we part company with humanity. The greatness in the human mind lies in knowing how to hold to that middle way. It is no sign of greatness that a man should separate himself from humanity: it is a more convincing sign of greatness if he does not part company with it.

Pensee 191. of Blaise Pascal


The humblest of us, in a state of Grace, can have some "knowledge-by-acquaintance", some "tasting" of Love Himself; but man even at his highest sanctity and intelligence has no "direct knowledge" about the ultimate Being--only analogies. We cannot see light, though by light we can see things. Statements about God are extrapolations from the knowledge of other things which the divine illumination enables us to know.

CS Lewis in 'The Four Loves'


Hell is a state of mind... And every state of mind, left to itself, every shutting up of the creature within the dungeon of its own mind--is, in the end, Hell. But Heaven is not a state of mind. Heaven is reality itself. All that is fully real is Heavenly.

CS Lewis in 'The Great Divorce'